Mike Hernandez: I'm out with friends and family and within the trans community. Several times a year I participate in public speaking engagements where I speak with students at colleges and universities. I've written a number of articles on trans issues and have, with a great deal of good fortune, managed to get published.

Work is a unique situation. The majority of the work that I perform is for a sole practitioner who is now in a partnership. The partnership rents space, as do a number of other sole practitioners and small practices, from a larger defense firm who has the master lease on the floor. The primary attorney who I work for knows because I was his law clerk pre-transition. As for the rest of the office, I have not come out and yet, I gave an interview to the Los Angeles Times, in which I am identified as an attorney in Woodland Hills, California. Other attorneys in the local bar association read the article and know. However, my trans status is not something that I would have disclosed at work barring some compelling reason.

I'm not out at the Hindu Temple that I attend on a regular basis.

MH: I use "out" or "out of the closet" because the issues of disclosure versus non disclosure are quite similar to those experienced by the queer and bi communities. Frankly, disclosure is an issue of privacy. Each of us pick when and how we come out, if at all. It's a personal choice and there is no wrong decision or answer. I don't believe that people should be faulted or vilified for choosing to live life where no one knows about the fact that they are or used to be trans. There are many ways to serve or advance the needs and desire of our community and being out is not the only way to do that.

MH: I'm not sure I qualify as high profile. If I am known, it’s predominantly through writing which is far different from face-to-face. I tend to stick close to home for the most part to enjoy the solitude of the desert.

To answer your question, being "discovered" doesn't create a concern for me. Trans is who I am. I'm not ashamed of it and won't allow someone else to make me feel bad or "less than". I feel that I'm no better and no worse than the next person. That doesn't mean that the situation isn't awkward or have its moments of stress. I just don't spend any time worrying about who knows and who doesn't.

MH: I'm in a primary relationship with another transman. We've been together for 10 years, although we've been friends for a lot longer. We've only lived together for the past six years. There was quite a bit of opposition for our relationship as an FTM/FTM relationship was unique. Now, transmale couples are quite common and accepted within our community.

I have a polyamorous relationship meaning that we both have sex and/or relationships with other folks. I have an ongoing relationship with a gay man (polar bear*), but we've seen far less of each other since he moved to Southern California. He is now in a full-time primary relationship.

I identify as queer. On occasion I attend men's only spaces and clubs. Even less often I attend a women's event which allows the attendance of FTMs. The women's leather community was very much a part of my life and despite the fact that I no longer feel comfortable there, it’s nice to hang out and raise Cain with old friends.

[*Polar Bears are a term from within the Bear community. Bears are typically considered to be hairy, sometimes larger-sized, frequently gay men. Polar Bears, tend to be white or gray-haired Bears.]

MH: That's absolutely untrue. Not all intimacy requires sex. Non-sexual intimate relationships can be maintained without the necessity of disclosure. However, the more intimate the relationship, the greater the difficulty in maintaining your trans status private. Also, intimacy is founded on trust. The danger with not disclosing to a sex partner, with the exception of anonymous interactions, is that when they do find out, they may feel betrayed which would ruin the intimacy.

As for sex, not all sex requires you to be naked. I know trans men who have attended sex clubs and spent the night on their knees giving blow jobs. If the sex is truly anonymous, you don't exchange names let alone personal details. I have attended a club that is dedicated to anal sex. The men who attend this club are more into hands and dildos than flesh and blood cocks. I have talented hands and have had sex with a number of men without disclosing the fact that I am trans because I have not had to disrobe. Then again, they were all the fuckees.

MH: Under the right circumstances, I can orgasm without reciprocity. I think that's why one of the sex clubs worked fine. Of course, if you bring your own partner, there's someone to go home with at the end of the night. If all else fails, you can always jack off in private. Is it ideal? No. Could it be worse? Absolutely. I could be so afraid of being discovered that I did nothing and allowed fantasies and/or desires to remain unfulfilled.

It isn't all about the orgasm either. There's a rush involved in sex. In giving someone else pleasure. There's an intensity and passion that can be communicated through eye contact that is incredibly satisfying. Then there's the thrill of being desired. Everyone wants to be sought after. It's a nice ego stroke to have someone come onto you and then come back for seconds.

MH: It wasn't so much about an in-depth analysis of whether to disclose or not. As I went along, I developed some guidelines for myself. If it was anonymous sex, I wouldn't disclose. If I didn't need to get naked and I was at a public space (as in a club), I wouldn't disclose. If I hooked up in a situation other than a club, which required nakedness, or which would involve future interactions, I'd come out. If it seemed more of a hassle to not disclose, I'd come out.

I don't always follow them to the letter and on some occasions there will be some cross over which is the greatest risk. For instance, meeting someone at a sex club who wants to get together in private. You have to either disclose and being involuntarily outed if the other person takes the news poorly OR say no and possibly ruin what was a good time.

MH: Through prior sexual partners or at events. I used to attend a couple of leather events each year. Some were local and others in various parts of the country. Those times of intense, short, highly sexually charged events have the greatest promise although timing can be quite complicated.

Patience certainly pays off. Most of the time I am now sowing the seeds for interactions that won't happen for years into the future. I find that if I have expectations or preconceived notions, that I get disappointed. If I expect nothing, I'm always pleasantly surprised. I also don't get upset or take it personally if someone decides to pass. Most of the time the person who wound up rejecting me wants to chat and I do. So long as they aren't complete utter assholes during the conversation, I usually try to discuss things objectively. Correcting misconceptions or ignorant assumptions with a dose of humor. You can't believe just how far humor goes. I've been lucky to have men in my life who have encouraged me and who offered support while I was off licking my wounds.

I wrote an article on disclosure that appears on my website. The URL is http://www.otherbear.com/disclframe.html