Ask GearHead

Dear Gearhead:

I'm a female partner of an FTM who's had chest surgery and has been on hormones for 8 years. We've been a couple for 11 years and have been through a lot together. Recently, his hair has been receding significantly, as well as graying as he's growing older. I love him and his body, and have absolutely no vanity issues with his balding head!

However, I am the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My abuser was balding and had short gray hair. I'm struggling with flashbacks much more these days because my partner's hair pattern is nearly identical to that of my abuser. We've talked about it a little, but I feel really bad that this is something he cannot help and it's triggering painful memories for me. I don't want to make him feel bad or self-conscious. I want to talk more with him about it; but also am just not sure how to change my subconscious reactions to the painful memories associated with his receding hairline and the connections it makes to my past, painful memories.

--battling with hairless(ness) in seattle

Dear Battling:

Many people are victims/survivors of childhood (and adult) sexual abuse. Recovering from sexual trauma often takes many, many years. Survivors and supporters can be surprised when another piece of the puzzle shows up from out of the blue and doesn't seem to easily fit anywhere.

Triggers (innocuous stimuli that "trigger" the recall of a memory) can come in many forms, and can come from the strangest sources. Triggers can be sounds, smells, visual or other perceptual cues.

If you want to work on reducing the power of this trigger, open communication with your partner is likely going to be an essential component. It may be more comfortable to bring this up in a therapeutic setting (or in the company of trusted, good friends, or with other survivors/partners), so both of you can feel more supported. If you are going to discuss this with your partner alone, remember to pick a time and place that isn't filled with other stresses or challenges (i.e. not after a long day at work, or when one of you isn't feeling well). Of course, a one-time discussion likely won't change the triggering effect of his balding, but it's a first step in moving through this re-traumatization.

Although asking someone to change isn't typically emotionally healthy for either person, you may want to see if you and your partner could find some ways to make some minor or major changes - perhaps temporarily - until you work towards greater resolution of this issue. For example, would he be willing to shave his head or change the greying color? Would a change in his facial hair shift his appearance enough to stop or change your response? Can you work on focusing on his eyes or lips when you look at him, and avoid looking at his whole head? If this trigger is particularly strong during love-making, would he be willing to wear a bandana on his head or have the lights out? Again, asking others to change can infringe on their personal choices and identity, but some couples are willing to do a lot for their partners, especially when the changes are temporary and are part of a greater healing process.

Another suggestion would be to get a photograph of your perpetrator and one of your partner. Even though it could be painful, studying the pictures carefully and seeing all the differences - physically - could prove useful in combating the flashbacks. In combination with noting their physical differences, try making a list of all the positive qualities of each person. I bet your partner will have a huge list of positive characteristics!

Many individuals benefit from the numerous self-help books and resources available on sexual abuse. One of the best books, in my opinion, is The Courage to Heal, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Try going to your local bookstore and page through some of the books until one strikes you as potentially beneficial.

There is also a relatively new online email list for trans and SOFFA survivors of sexual assault called trans_survivors. This may serve as an excellent place for both you and your partner to connect with others who have many things in common. You can join the list by going to www.queernet.org and following the subscription instructions for trans_survivors.

Sometimes professional help is essential to get over these types of hurdles. There are many strategies that can now be used to work with trauma, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatoemotional release, debriefing, TFT (Thought Field Therapy), medication, and much more.

There are no easy answers but a loving partnership can work miracles.