A Journey For
Parents Of Trans

By Mary M. Boenke, MSSA, MS <MaryBoenke@aol.com>
Chair, PFLAG's Transgender Network, Mid-Atlantic Regional Director, National Board of Directors, frequent speaker and author of “Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones”

Probably most parents of trans have a challenging emotional experience when their child, young or fully adult, comes out to them as a transgendered person. While “transgender” has become a familiar word to all those who watch TV talk shows or read popular magazines, we parents tend to assume, unconsciously, that nothing like that could happen in OUR family! And most parents would be right.

So it comes as a shock when one’s child comes out as a trans person - female-to-male, male-to-female, cross dresser, or simply wanting to live somewhere in the middle. Shock may be considered the first stage of a common journey, originally identified as the grief process by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Parents tend to be numb, unable to talk about it even though they may say some positive things as, “We still love you; it will all work out OK.”

The next step may include some denial, often taking the form of, “This is just a stage; surely you will grow out of it,” “We’ll find you a good therapist who can cure you,” or even “How dare that therapist tell our child that s/he is transsexual!” Anger often creeps in here, too. Parents may feel that their child is doing this just to hurt them, to embarrass them, to get even for some long ago disagreement. Fear and hurt are both closely related to anger, i.e. we often fear and/or hate that which hurts us. Guilt is another feeling many parents experience. “What did I do wrong?” Or “I should have recognized this earlier and done something about it sooner,” or more positively, “I should have been there for him/her sooner.”

When parents realize this condition is not going away they often begin to grieve for the child they believe they are losing. A long loved son or daughter whom they fear they will never see again. Although this is a painful experience, it means parents are beginning to accept the permanence and seriousness of their child’s condition. Grief and the accompanying tears are often necessary before a person can begin to accept the situation. If they were loving and caring before transition, most parents will eventually return to this kind of positive relationship. Some will get to acceptance more quickly; others may take several years. Full acceptance does NOT mean “I love you, I just don’t want to talk about it.” True acceptance means “I have many questions; let’s talk about this; I want to understand. What can I read, who else can I talk with, I want to meet your new friends.”

So what might help parents get to acceptance more quickly and easily? The most important factor, of course, is the parents themselves. If they have had happy nurturing relationships with all their children and hold family values in high regard, they will be eager to return to this. If they are outgoing, somewhat adventurous people with a variety of life experiences and friends and if they are not immersed in a church that preaches against sexual minorities, they will find this issue less troublesome.

Is psychotherapy necessary? Probably not, but those special therapists who are both knowledgeable about, and accepting of, sexual minorities can be very helpful. Such a person can provide support, perspective and reliable information. An uninformed therapist, or one with negative opinions, can make the journey even more prolonged and painful. One mother said she quit therapy when she realized she was paying for the privilege of educating the therapist!

Do children in the life of the trans person need therapy? Again, probably not. What they really need most is for the adults in their lives to “get it together”, to answer questions truthfully, to take the transition or unusual traits a little casually, and to reassure the children frequently that they are loved and safe and always will be. Older children may need to be reassured that transgender is not known to be inherited.

Children may also need some help in handling questions or some harassment from others. If a child shows persistent signs of grief or anger or is withdrawn, having someone “in their corner” may be helpful. If the adults decide the child should see a therapist, they should first make it clear it has nothing to do with ANYone being sick, but only to get some expert help in how to feel and understand better and maybe how to better handle the rest of the world.

The trans person can do much to help parents sail these troubled waters more easily. Coming out to them in a comfortable setting, and not at a holiday gathering, or better yet - writing a letter they can read and reread and answer when they are ready, reassuring them they are loved and appreciated and this is NOT about THEM, being willing to talk and answer any questions, offering books and other parents or groups they could talk with may all be helpful, at least eventually. Being patient, giving them time, especially if they must start grappling with a new name or, far more difficult, new pronouns. Gentle prodding and appreciation for their struggle often brings the most hard-core parents “around” eventually.

In PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, now also bisexual and transgender inclusive) we often say there is another stage - Celebration! This is the wonderful time when parents begin to appreciate fully who their child is, why life was so difficult before transition, the great courage it must have taken for their child to come out to him/herself and to others, maybe to undergo some medical interventions. This is the time when parents love to talk to others about their special child, their recent learnings, have pride in themselves and the whole family for handling this experience so well, maybe even marching in Pride Parades, and like to write and speak about social injustices to their child and other who are similar.

For some parents, having a sexual minority child opens up a whole new life view of this minority group, an expanded world view, and great personal growth. Some, like my husband and myself, will tell you - we wouldn’t have missed this journey for ANYthing! We are enormously proud of our “new” son and are busy working hard to make the world a better place for him.

For further information, contact Karen Gross at kittengr@aol.com or Mary Boenke at maryboenke@aol.com or 540/890-3957. Karen provides support for PFLAG’s Transgender Network and runs a number of email lists for parents. Mary chairs this national Network. Both are proud mothers of adult female-to-male transsexual sons and are trans activists.