Sexuality

At the May 2004 FORGE social support meeting, we discussed many areas related to sexuality. This follow-up contains some narrative, lists of additional resources, and lists of questions for readers to think about and reach their own conclusions. As always, if you wish to contribute thoughts and comments on any of the follow-ups, please email info@forge-forward.org

FORGE documents are written for both SOFFAs (significant others, friends, family and allies) and FTMs+; the terms "you" and "your" may refer to transmen, genderqueers, and/or SOFFAs, as appropriate to the context.

In a culture that sends strong and often oppressive messages to women to look and be a certain way (be thin, act "feminine", walk with a narrow gait, wear make up, act sexy/sensual, etc.), those of us who were raised as girls absorbed these messages. It is difficult, if not impossible, to avoid the negative, unattainable ideals of what mainstream society tries to demand of women.

The cultural messages we may have absorbed might include that we are SUPPOSED to hate our bodies, or be uncomfortable about who we were if our bodies didn't match the cultural stereotypes.

These pervasive cultural expectations make it difficult for all of us and complicate matters for those who also feel uncomfortable about their body in terms of gender. It may be difficult -- if not nearly impossible -- to parse out what are internalized, socially-produced negative beliefs about our bodies as a whole (what we were taught about female "rules") and our "(trans)gendered bodies". If we are uncomfortable with our breasts, is it the result of the media dictating how breasts should look? Or are we uncomfortable about our genitals because we are inundated with messages that they are not acceptable as they naturally are -- they are dirty and must be cleaned (douched), they are not ok the way they smell ("feminine deodorants"), etc. How can we separate out the messages that define large women as ugly, while asserting large men are strong? We have repeatedly heard that a woman who has had breast cancer and a breast removed to save her life is somehow less attractive and less of a woman. We hear that women who no longer menstruate are old or those who have had hysterectomies are not desirable because they cannot reproduce.

These are very challenging messages that can damage even the most confident, self-assured women. How do these messages impact people born and raised as female, who identify in some way(s) as masculine/male? Many of us grew up hating our bodies or wishing they were different. Many of us question if we are "selling out" by not trying to live life as a female who doesn't adhere to the stereotypes of femininity.

Internalized cultural norms about gender can significantly challenge -- and sometimes impede -- how we look at our bodies, our gender(s), and/or our masculinity.

What messages did you absorb about being female? About being male? About what is feminine? Masculine? How can we live with masculine identities without reinforcing unhealthy masculine or feminine stereotypes?

Many people notice that their sexual orientation changes as they explore and/or change their gender. Partners also notice that they may find their identity(ies) and/or orientation(s) shifting as their partner's gender identity changes or solidifies.

• How does orientation shift with hormones and/or gender acceptance and congruity?
• Can fantasies sometimes be different than what we desire in reality? E.g. Can we fantasize about women, but have sex with men?
• If we can be androgynous or feel a sense of gender neutrality, can we similarly have sexual neutrality?
• Boxes can be trapping and we may avoid being stuck in one (by our own choosing or someone else placing us there); can we also use the boxes of gender identity or sexual orientation to be affirming of who we are without being trapped in that very same box?
• Sometimes when a person transitions within a relationship (or even after later entering into a relationship), there can be multiple sexual orientation identities. How do cross orientational relationships "work"?

A history of childhood sexual violence may change adult consensual sexuality. Adults may also experience sexual violence through date rape, sexual assault by a stranger or person known to them, as part of a hate crime, and/or from non-consensual interactions with an intimate partner. Many survivors of sexual violence are uncomfortable with their body on some level, or with seeing or touching others' bodies. They may have "off limits" body parts or activities that they don't wish to engage in. They may experience flashbacks before, during or after sex. Survivors may also have skewed beliefs about sexuality, such as sex is "dirty", or that sex equals love, or they fear that they will be harmed if they don't agree to have sex with someone.

It is reported that as many as one in three people have directly experienced some form of sexual violence in their lifetime. Because this statistic is so high, it is likely that you or one of your partners may be a survivor.

For trans-masculine survivors, discomfort with their bodies may emerge from their transness OR as a result of the sexual violence they lived through. It can take years -- if not a lifetime -- to recover from sexual violence and reclaim your body as your own. This additional layer of body dysphoria can make being trans more uncomfortable and confusing -- not knowing how or why there is body discomfort. The very nature of some sexual violence exploits, harms and violates the parts of the body that many trans-masculine people uncomfortably associate as "female" -- i.e. their vagina, clitoris or breasts.

Emotionally recovery is a very individual process, though many people use self-help books, therapy, and connecting with other survivors through support groups or one-on-one interactions. As with any other mental health issue trans people may be experiencing, seeking therapy for help in recovering from sexual violence MAY result in having to educate your therapist about transgender issues BEFORE you can actually get their help in addressing your emotional issues related to sexual violence. Although there have been resources for female survivors for well over 30 years, there are more and more books and online resources available to male survivors, but VERY little has been written about transgender survivors. Several resources are listed at the end of this section.

Recovering from sexual violence as a transmasculine person can encompass challenges that "genetic" women or men may not experience. For example, many support venues are not open to transgender people, since they are "female only" or "male only" (if a male group even exists). Many times support groups -- or the members within a support group -- are not welcoming of people who are transgender and/or need to talk about issues that reveal their transness.

Other challenges for survivors can be in getting direct care following an assault. If there is body incongruence (i.e. if you look male with your clothes on, but also have a vagina), medical providers may feel awkward around you and not always know how to sensitively handle your body, which may create some re-traumatization and may involve needing to step into an educator role, rather than being able to "just" receive services. Also, many emergency rooms and sexual assault centers are not accustomed to seeing many male sexual violence patients. Just being male can stimulate other peoples' awkwardness and THEIR own discomfort about male victims.

These are some of the "negative" aspects of dealing with providers surrounding sexual violence. Clearly, there are many wonderful therapists, hospital and sexual assault center workers who are open and warm and can greatly assist in your healing process.

For partners who have been abused/assaulted by men, if their trans partner starts transition, moves through transition, masculinizes in particular ways, or even just ages, these changes may become triggers. For example, if a female partner had been abused by her balding uncle with a gravely voice, she may have an extremely difficult time looking at the whole body of her FTM lover whose hairline is receding and whose voice is deep and scratchy. She may look at him and "see" her abuser.

On a more positive note, in relationships in which one person is trans, there MAY be more communication around sexuality in order to respect the trans person's body boundaries. Also, often trans/trans or trans/non-trans relationships don't make assumptions about how sexuality will play out (i.e. it's not assumed that missionary position heterosexual sex will be the norm). These discussions can open up how to make both/all people feel more emotionally comfortable and may take into account specific needs of everyone involved -- including needs arising from sexual violence.

There are DOZENS of resources for survivors of incest and adult sexual assault. There are many resources on ritualized abuse, as well as abuse by clergy. Traditional books like Ellen Bass/Laura Davis' The Courage to Heal have been seminal in thousands of survivors' lives, empowering them to heal and integrate their lives. Other books/resources have emerged since the Courage to Heal. Some of them include:

a. For Partners of sexual violence survivors

While most of these books focus on sexual assault in childhood and most frequently are addressing FEMALE survivors, these books may offer concepts and useful tools to partners of male and/or trans survivors.

1. Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child
by Laura Davis (Author)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060968834/qid=1088534112/sr=2-3/ref=sr_2_3/103-3323012-9298247
Publisher: Perennial; 1st edition (September 11, 1991)
ISBN: 0060968834

2. What About Me? A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse
by Grant Cameron
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0921165382/ref=pd_bxgy_text_1/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books&st=*
Publisher: Creative Bound; (June 1, 1994)
ISBN: 0921165382

3. When You Are the Partner of a Rape or Incest Survivor: A Workbook for You
by Robert Barry Levine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0893903299/ref=pd_sim_books_5/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books
Publisher: Resource Publications; (March 1996)
ISBN: 0893903299

4. Ghosts in the Bedroom : A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors
by Ken Graber (Author)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/155874116X/ref=pd_sim_books_3/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books
Publisher: Health Communications; ( April 1, 1991 )
ISBN: 155874116X

b. Male Survivors

Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse
by Mike Lew (Author)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0060973005/qid=1088534177/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-3323012-9298247?v=glance&s=books
Publisher: Perennial; Reprint edition (February 1, 1990)
ISBN: 0060973005

c. Sexuality Empowerment

This is a really great book that IS fully gender-inclusive and trans-friendly (as well as SM and other sexuality friendly).

The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse
by Staci Haines
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1573440795/qid=1086626362/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Publisher: Cleis Press; (April 1999)
ISBN: 1573440795

d. FORGE handouts:

FORGE has several documents (these also contain other resources) specifically on sexual assault and domestic violence. Check out the following publications:

Transgender/SOFFA: Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Resource Sheet
http://www.forge-forward.org/handouts/TransDV-SA.pdf

Male Victims: Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Resource Sheet
http://www.forge-forward.org/handouts/MaleVictims.pdf

LGBT Elders: Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Resource Sheet
http://www.forge-forward.org/handouts/LGBTElders.pdf

Trans/SOFFA Power and Control
http://www.forge-forward.org/handouts/Trans-SOFFA%20PowerandControl.pdf

FORGE has also formed an in-person, peer-based support group for LGBTQI survivors of sexual violence and "secondary victims" (partners, family members, friends) for people in the greater Milwaukee , Wisconsin area. For more information on meeting times and location, please email sv@forge-forward.org.

FORGE also recently formed a listserv for LGBTQI survivors of sexual violence, which is highly transgender and partner friendly. To join, send email to majordomo@lists.forge-forward.org with "subscribe sv-support" in the body of the message (without any quotations).

For more resources on sexual violence for LGBTQI individuals, go to http://www.forge-forward.org/sv/ Under the resource section (http://www.forge-forward.org/sv/resources.php), there are links to many articles and websites.

a. Hepatitis A - Gamma Globulin shots
The question of how long a gamma globulin shot [ Immunoglobulin (IG or Immune Globulin or Gamma Globulin)] lasted for Hepatitis A came up at the meeting. IG provides passive protection against viral infections: Hepatitis A, measles, rubella, and varicella. A physician we consulted with reported that the shots only last for 1-3 MONTHS. [The best way to avoid sexually transmitted hepatitis is to avoid oral/anal contact (rimming) or to use a latex square (dental dam) or other barrier (plastic wrap) between the mouth and anus.]

b. Safer Sex
Many individuals who have lived within the lesbian community or with lesbian partners may have (falsely) learned that all lesbian sex = safe sex. The Centers for Disease Control and other national agencies have helped uphold that belief, even though there is more and more proof that anyone who is sexually active with anyone else -- regardless of their gender or body configuration -- is at some level of risk for HIV and/or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Many FTMs and partners of FTMs often believe that they, too, are not at risk for STIs or HIV.

HIV and STIs are issues for everyone. Assessing your risks -- such as your sexual history, specific sexual acts engaged in, monogamy vs. multiple partners, IV drug use, needle sharing for testosterone or other hormones -- and talking with your (prospective) partner(s) is the best way to determine what action you want to take (or not take) to protect yourself. Education is key, so you can make informed choices about your sexual behavior.

Not much has been specifically written on FTMs/partners of FTMs and sexual health. One article -- Safe FTM Sex -- can be found on the Good Vibrations Website: http://www.goodvibes.com/cgi-bin/sgdynamo.exe?HTNAME=magazine/our_regulars/queen_of_hearts/200106.html

c. where to buy female condoms
Female condoms for play with toys or attached penises can be a preferred alternative to traditional condoms. Unfortunately they can be difficult to find and are frequently much more expensive than traditional condoms. In various locations -- bigger cities, especially -- they are available at Walgreen's pharmacies and other larger pharmacies and grocery stores. Oftentimes Planned Parenthood or local sexual health clinics carry female condoms, as well as other forms of contraception and sexual protection. To learn more about female condoms, go to http://www.femalehealth.com/

If you are interested in buying online, you can check out the following link: http://www.drugstore.com/qxp71319_334918_sespider/f_c__female_condom/female_condom.htm

d. Glycerine-based lubes
Water-based lubricants that contain glycerine can increase the prevalence of yeast infections in some individuals -- especially if used vaginally. If you or your partner has experienced itching or other irritation after using these types of lubes, you may want to consider switching to another type.

Common brands of lubricants that contain glycerine include: Astroglide, Aqualube , ID Glide, Probe, ForPlay, Wet, Elbow Grease Gel, KY Personal Lubricant. Alternatives to glycerine-based lubes include silicone lubes such as Eros, Liquid Silk, ID Millennium, Wet platinum.

If yeast/itching does not resolve in a few days, trying over the counter yeast medication can be helpful, as well as consulting your physician if the problem continues.

Many folks feel empowered and validated by reading trans-focused erotica. It's hard to find, but there are some books, videos, and websites on transgender erotica (that are not exploitive -- at least not too exploitive!!).

a. Books

1. Books such as Raven Kaldera and Hanne Blank's " Best Transgender Erotica" contain a wide variety of sexy, trans-positive erotic stories.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1885865406/qid=1086628345/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

2. Hanne Blank has written several books on erotica and on people of size. Her books are inclusive of many genders and many orientations -- not just two (of either). Some of her books include: 

Zaftig: Well Rounded Erotica
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1573441228/qid=1086628345/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i2_xgl14/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1890159166/qid=1086628492/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books

Unruly Appetites: Erotica
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1580050816/qid=1086628492/sr=1-3/ref=sr_1_3/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books

3. Kate Bornstein and Caitlin Sullivan's "Nearly Roadkill", is filled with trans-positive erotic overtones (undertones?).  

Nearly Roadkill: An Infobahn Erotic Adventure
by Caitlin Sullivan , Kate Bornstein (Contributor)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1852424184/qid=1086628608/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books

b. "How to" Book

The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex: A Complete Resource for Women and Men
by Karlyn Lotney (aka Fairy Butch)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/157344085X/qid=1086629040/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/102-4736494-9795304?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

c. Videos/DVDs

There have been SEVERAL trans-masculine erotic films produced in the past several years. Here is a small list of some of the more popular FTM+ "porn" films.

1. Full Load: Scenes from ssspread.com
http://www.fatalemedia.com/videos/full_load.html
(contains butches, lesbian identified people, FTMs, genderqueers)

2. tranny fags
http://www.babeland.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=JQ738810
(contains 4 gay transmen and biomen)

3. Alley of the Trannyboys
http://www.christopherleeproductions.com/alleyboy/reviews.html

4. Sex Flesh in Blood
http://www.christopherleeproductions.com/sfb/index2.html 

d. Trans+ sex-positive columnists

1. Fairy Butch
http://www.fairybutch.com/
(author of The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex: A Complete Resource for Women and Men)

2. Tristan Taormino's Pucker Up
http://www.puckerup.com/
(several of her columns which appear in Village Voice are specifically on transmen and genderqueers)

3. Annie Sprinkle's website
http://www.anniesprinkle.org/
(sex-positive, FTM inclusive)

e. Websites

1. Strap-on
http://www.strap-on.org/
(a progressive, queer-centered, sex-positive, girl-friendly online community -- mainly message boards and some resources)