Relationships, Sexuality, Body Image

May’s FORGE meeting had near-record-high attendance. It is such a blessing to continue to attract new people who are able to access the wealth of knowledge from the members who have been here longer.

While many FORGE meetings bring up numerous defined questions (that typically have semi-concrete answers), the May 2005 meeting embodied a deep, almost philosophical discussion of many subjects related to body, body image, sexuality and relationships. This follow-up will offer more narrative reflections than external resources.

We started the meeting with a challenging icebreaker: “What do you like about your body?” Because so many people -- trans and non-trans -- focus on what they do NOT like, we hoped that by asking an affirming question, people could start to think more positively about their body -- or some part of it. As we expected, it was difficult for many people to come up with anything. Some of the unique responses were: “the left side of my chest,” “mobility,” “being peri-menopausal,” “my tattoo,” “passing without T.” While several people referenced aspects of their gendered self -- for example, being more masculine, having more hair on their body/face -- the majority of people revealed that what they liked about their body was there eyes, or hands, or the way their body works.

We discussed the controversial topic of “male lesbian,” an identity that would seem offensive to many FTMs and female-identified lesbians. This identity is further complicated when a “male lesbian” connects with a more traditionally defined (female) lesbian. Others try to force both of the partners to accept a straight or bisexual label, as well as wishing to restrict access to male-only OR female-only spaces. Logically, this leads to discussions of “realness,” with many individuals being forced to choose which side of various identity lines they side with.

Another set of identities our discussion explored were identities created based on the sex or gender of a partner. Many of these identities are clearly challenged when the gender of one partner shifts. This may not inherently be problematic, but for most people, orientational identities -- identities that are in relation to others -- are not simply about sexual desire or preference, but are highly political, as well.

If we define our identity based on, for example, loving men -- this identity changes if one person transitions. The social ramifications are different than if the identity were based on something other than the gender of another person.

Are we gay only if we identify as male and have a partner that identifies (or looks) male? Do we suddenly become straight when one person transitions from female to male and maintains a relationship with or an attraction to women?

Relational identities may be one way of distancing ourselves from the politics of labels or may shackle us from to one label to the another.

With any identity association, the question of if, when, and how to reveal often lurks in the background. Is disclosure necessary? Who has the right to share pieces of historical data? Why do some identities carry socio-political charge?

There are many who believe that only a transperson should be allowed to disclose his/her own gender history, while others firmly believe that if transness influences them in a personal way, they, too, have the right to disclose. Of course, this is a highly touchy subject with people lining up on both sides to defend their territory.

The issue, however, may not be so much of who has the right to reveal, but rather the intent behind the disclosure and the sensitivity involved. Intent and sensitivity can apply to both trans and non-trans people. There are “in your face” ways of coming out/ methods of disclosure that are done in confrontational settings or to strengthen a social/political point. Likewise, a disclosure can come with the intention of helping someone else understand something better (you or a situation).

Most everyone agrees that it’s a transperson’s right to choose if, when, and how to come out or share their trans status with others. However, many do not agree that a partner, friend or family member has the same right. There are no clear-cut right or wrong answers, since every person, relationship and situation is different.

Here are a couple of situations to ponder:

• An office worker who has had a picture of her female lover prominently displayed on her desk for the past 2 years gets into a conversation with a co-worker. The officemate asks, with a wink and a smile, “hey, who was that cute guy you were with when we bumped into each other at the mall?” Does the person in question, who wants to maintain an image of being a faithful partner, share that the “cute guy” is the same person as who is in the picture? Does she have to lie in order to protect her partner’s trans status, because only the trans person can divulge this data? Does she need to deny the reality of her long term relationship?

• A parent of a transperson is reminiscing with old friends from their neighborhood. The neighbor inquires about how their child is -- using the childhood name and pronouns in their inquiry. Does the parent, who fully accepts their adult transgender child, revert to their child’s non-preferred pronoun and name in the discussion? Is the parent torn between their child wanting to come out to everyone himself or having to use gender references (or awkward language that avoids any gendered language) that are in opposition to their child’s current gender?

• An FTM’s partner is a doctoral student at a local college. She is finishing up her dissertation at a conservative school. Her partner drops by her TA office to pick her up every night, greeting her with a soft kiss. One night her homophobic advisor had stayed late at the office and had the opportunity to meet his student’s boyfriend. That night, her boyfriend happened to be wearing his very worn out Transexual Menace t-shirt. This non-verbal interaction, forever changed how the professor treated his student. Should the girlfriend have the right to ask her boyfriend to be conservative in his dress and demeanor while visiting her at school? How did his gender identity (or the perception that he must be transexual if wearing that t-shirt) influence her academic achievement?

While there are no easy answers to the if/who/when/how question of revealing trans status information, one guiding principle seems to be that overt communication between the trans person and the others in hir life is essential so that everyone knows what the comfort level of the others is. Negotiating ahead of time about who we may or may not want to be out to, gives others a heads up about how they may want to handle situations involving those other people. Respecting each other enough to abide by the others’ wishes seems to be another essential element in creating more comfortable environments for everyone involved.

 

A powerful area we explored -- unfortunately only briefly and tangentially -- is the process of sexually reclaiming parts of our body. So often, we focus on what we don’t like about our bodies, what doesn’t feel good, what we wish was different. We rarely spend time connecting with the bodies we do have -- whether it’s merely to acknowledge the reality of it, or to figure out how to enjoy our current physical reality, not just tolerate it until some later date when we can change it into something else.

Matt Rice -- an FTM activist and sex educator, who transitioned nearly 10 years ago and is now raising his autistic son, Blake -- recently responded to a young FTM curious about sex, pleasure and identity. With his permission, he responded to this inquiry with:

“I acknowledge that this is the only body that I'm ever going to have. I acknowledge that pleasure is important to me, and that includes orgasm. In order to have an orgasm, I have to use the parts I have in the here and now. In order for me to do that and feel good, I have to have a partner I can trust will still see me as me, regardless of what we're doing.

”I think I'm pretty fortunate that when I'm experiencing pleasure, whether alone (or rarely even with someone else) I'm pretty much thinking about the mechanics of what I'm doing. A bit here or there, a little to the left, faster, slower, not much is gendered when I'm doing that. Usually having someone else there makes it more complicated. I have a lot more grief when pleasuring partners that I'm unable to do that in a way that I'd really like to be able to do.

”Pleasure is political, too. It took a lot for me to be able to get to a place where I had to acknowledge that for long-term intimate relationships to work for me, my body had to be involved, too. My pleasure had to be important, because I am important. Even though my body has a configuration that is at times unfortunate for me, it's essential that I have a partner who can see me as male and still see my body. I think hormones helped a lot with this, and surgery helped even more. As I became more comfortable with my own skin, I was more able to include my partner in finding out what felt good without overwhelming shame, or subtle lingering weirdness.

”Nothing can take away from your being who you are unless you allow it.”

In continuing that discussion, a non-trans gay man, noted that he would never overlook the huge difference it can make to be a man born in a body unlike what most people expect a man to have. He goes on to say:

“But even as a man born in a body LIKE what men are expected to have, I had to grow comfortable in my own skin too. And I keep learning about men and being a man from ALL my friends who are men alongside me. Being a man isn't an endpoint to me any more, it's a journey. I've given up thinking I'll ever be 100% comfortable in my own skin ... but boy, do I enjoy being me more than I used to, and man, that’s because of what other men have taught me.”