Partners of Survivors

Think about it!

• If you are partnered with a transgender individual, there is a 50% chance that s/he is a survivor of sexual violence
• If you are partnered with a man, there is at least a 20% chance that he is a survivor of sexual abuse or assault.
• If you are partnered with a woman, there is at least a 30% change that she is a survivor of sexual abuse or assault.

Partners of survivors are rarely supported in SA/DV systems, support groups, books, academic literature, or in online support venues. While there is a growing number of resources designed for partners, most focus on what and how partners are supposed to do to support the survivor.

FORGE fully believes that while it is essential to respect and understand the violence history and healing process of the direct survivor, partners have their own unique issues and healing needs. To this end, partners need direct support themselves – not (only) education about how to sensitively interact with their survivor partner.

Because violence rates are so high, it’s common to have a relationship where both/all individuals are survivors of violence. This only complicates the equation of who needs support when, where and how!

Resources are limited. FORGE welcomes new additions to this short list!

Websites

Partners of Survivors of Sexual Abuse

http://partners.aest.org.uk/

BOOKS

Barshinger, Clarke E. & Larowe, Lojan E. (1995). Haunted Marriage; Overcoming the Ghosts of Your Spouse's Childhood Abuse. Intervarsity Press, USA.

Bass, Ellen, & Davis., Laura. (1992). Bass, Ellen, & Davis., Laura. (1992). The Courage to Heal. New York: HarperPerennial Publishers. (Has an appendix/chapter for partners of survivors.)

Bass, Ellen, & Davis, Laura. (1993).  Beginning to Heal: A first book for survivors of child sexual abuse. New York: HarperPerennial Publishers

Bear, Euan, & Dimock, Peter T. (1988). Adults Molested As Children: A Survivor's Manual For Women And Men. Safer Society Series Number Four. Orwell, VT: Safer Society Press. (Chapter Five: "For Lovers and Others." Excellent chapter as an introduction for partners who have just discovered their partner is a survivor.)

Blume, E. Sue. (1990). Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest & Its Aftereffects in Women. New York: Ballantine Books, Inc.

Brewster, Susan. (1997) To Be an Anchor in the Storm : A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women. New York: Ballantine Books, Inc.

Browne, Marie, with Browne, Marlene (2007). If the Man You Love Was Abused . Avon , MA : Adams Media.

Cameron, Grant. (1995). What about me? A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse. Carp, Ontario, Canada: Creative Bound Publishers, Inc. Visit http://www.home.istar.ca/~gcameron/ABUSE.HTM.

Cheston, Sharon E. (1994). As You and the Abused Person Journey Together. Paulist Press. Paperback, 80 pp. ISBN: 0809135132

Courtright, John, & Rogers, Sid, Dr. (1994). Your Wife Was Sexually Abused. (With discussion guide.) Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House. (Christian-centered book)

Davis, Laura (1991). Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, a Support Book for Partners. New York: HarperPerennial.

DeBeixedon, Yvette S. (1995). Lovers & Survivors: A Partner's Guide to Living with & Loving a Sexual Abuse Survivor.. San Francisco, CA: Robert D. Reed Publishers. Available at self-help sections in bookstores nationwide.

Engel, Beverly. (1993). Partners in Recovery: How Mates, Lovers, & Other ProSurvivors Can Learn to Support & Cope with Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. New York: Fawcett Books.

Engel, Beverly. (1995). Families in Recovery. Lowell House.

Gil, Eliana. (1992). Outgrowing the Pain Together: A Book for Spouses & Partners of Adults Abused as Children. New York: Dell Trade Publishing, Inc.

Graber, Ken. (1991). Ghosts in the Bedroom; A Guide for Partners of Incest Survivors. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

Hansen, Paul. Survivors and Partners: Healing the Relationships of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. ISBN: 0962996041

Haines, Staci. (1999). The Survivor's Guide to Great Sex : How to Have a Great Sex Life - Even if You've Been Sexually Abused. Cleis Press. Paperback, 1st ed., 200pp. ISBN: 1573440795

Hunter, Mic. Thomas, Jane R., ed. (1992). Joyous Sexuality: Healing from the Effects of Family Sexual Dysfunction. Hazelden Foundation. Paperback, 143 pp. ISBN: 0896382710

Kirschner, Sam, Ph.D. et al. (1993). Working With Adult Incest Survivors/the Healing Journey (Frontiers in Couples and Family Therapy, No 6). Brunner/Mazel; Hardcover - 232 pages ISBN: 0876306911

Landry, Dorothy.  Family Fallout: A Handbook for Families of Adult Sexual Abuse Survivors.  Safer Society Press:  Orwell, VT.  1991.  $12.95 paper.  ISBN: 1884444059. 

Levine, Robert Larry. (1996). When You Are the Partner of a Rape or Incest Survivor: A Workbook for You. San Jose, CA: Resource Publications. ISBN: 0893903299

Loulan, JoAnn. (1987). Lesbian Passion: Loving ourselves and each other. San Francisco, CA: Spinsters/Aunt Lute Publishers. Available at self-help sections in bookstores nationwide. : (Has chapter for survivors, and chapter for partners.)

Matsakis, Aphrodite. (1998). TRUST AFTER TRAUMA: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

McEvoy, Alan, Brookings, Jeff, and Rollo, Debbie, eds. (1999). If He Is Raped: A Guidebook for Parents, Mates, and Friends . Holmes Beach , FL : Learning Publications.

McEvoy, A. and J. Brookings. If She is Raped: A Book for Husbands, Fathers and Male Friends. Florida: Learning Publications, Inc. 1984. ASIN: 0918452554 This title is out of print

Mease, Bill. How Can I Help Him? : A Handbook For Partners of Men Sexually Abused as Children. ASIN: 0894868446 This title is out of print.

Orleman, Jane. (1998). Telling Secrets: An Artist's Journey through Childhood Trauma.
Child Welfare League Of America, Inc. Hardcover, 144 pp. ISBN: 0878687297 

Spear, Joan. How Can I Help Her? A Handbook for Partners of Women Sexually Abused as Children. Center City, MN: Hazelden Education Materials, 1991. (612) 257-4010. Booklet for $3.00.

Stark, Kathe. (1993). Helping the Adult Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse; For Friends, Family and Lovers. Mother Courage Press. W., Nancy. (1990's). Embracing the Journey. MN: Hazleden Publications.

Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs. Partners in Healing: A Handbook for Partners of Rape Survivors.   Washington: 1992.

Woititz, Janet G. (1993). The Intimacy Struggle; A New Version of the Struggle for Intimacy. Revised Edition. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.

JOURNAL ARTICLES

Bacon, Brenda and Lein, Laura. "Living with a Female Sexual Abuse Survivor: Male partner's perspectives." Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 1996: (5): 1-16.

Chauncey, Susan. "Emotional Concerns and Treatment of Male Partners of Female Sexual Abuse Survivors." Social Work, 1994: 39(6): 669-676.

Dietz, Allen, & Button, Betty. The Challenges of Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse in Adult Relationships. In Treating Abuse Today, 1991:1 (4): 26-31.

Graber, Ken. "The Other Victims of Incest: Partners of Incest Victims Suffer, Too." Changes. May/June 1991, pp. 48-50.

Hughes, Marcia M. "Using the Couple Relationship to Address Childhood Sexual Abuse.” Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 1994: (2): 114-121.

McCollum, Eric. "The Effects of Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse on Marital Relationships." Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 1993: (4): 35-46.

Staten, Robert. "Partners of Survivors: Saying (and Hearing) I Love You," Changing Men. Winter/Spring 1993. Issue #25. pp. 46,47